Being an autism mom comes with a lot of hard work.
You’ll cry a lot.
You’ll doubt yourself countless times.
You get hurt, you feel guilty.
It’s a struggle.
I’ve had episodes where I would cry my heart out to God, begging him to let me complain, to let me be honest how I feel tired and lost, and to let me question how come I’m in this situation. Yes, it really does get to the point where I’m that dramatic.
But let me be clear. You won’t feel this everyday, that’s for sure.
Often during the day, I find myself rushing to grab my cell phone to capture his moments— be it drawing on his iPad like a pro, answering his work sheets, or singing his heart out.
And of course, all the funny, silly moments that make me laugh.
Not to mention the times when I’m amazed by how incredible his mind and imagination are. He’s already shown me so much of what he’s capable of at such a young age, and I can’t help but wonder how bright his future will be in the years to come.
But yes, the part where you cry, complain, and feel frustrated is real. Many parents of children with autism don’t get the chance to talk about their feelings, because we’re so used to handling our child’s meltdowns and dysregulation instead of our own emotions.
If you are in the same situation as mine, just always remember, they’re not giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time.
The Hard Questions After Autism Diagnosis
When Kanye was diagnosed with autism, I had a hard time accepting it.
I kept asking why—how was this possible? I couldn’t have been healthier during my pregnancy. I really took good care of myself, watched what I ate and drank. I even dedicated 30 minutes a day to exercise. I didn’t gain much weight compared to my pregnancy with my eldest child.
I had regular prenatal checkups. I remember though, when I found out I was pregnant, I went to a new OB-GYN (not the one who looked after me during my first pregnancy).
This new OB specialized in high-risk pregnancies. She requested so many blood tests, which I complied with. I recall during a certain antibody screening, she said my body seemed to be creating antibodies that might attack the baby’s red blood cells because it was treating them as a threat.
I was too scared to really understand what that meant, but she put it into words that were even more frightening. She said “your baby can be retarded.” Yes, that’s the exact term she used.
I was so offended that I decided to go to a different OB-GYN. I went back to my old OB. She asked me to do a couple of blood tests and even referred me to a hematologist. The results of the tests were normal, so I was relieved.
Those Difficult Early Months: Before We Knew It Was Autism
When Kanye was born, his pediatrician told us that he had really good muscle tone for a newborn. He had this stocky body form—solid and well-built, and I liked to think my healthy eating while pregnant had something to do with it.
He also went through a newborn screening, and the results were normal, so we really didn’t think there was going to be any issue.
A few months later, my husband and I noticed that he cried a lot in the afternoons until evening—around 4 o’clock to 8 before bedtime. There was a clear pattern. We never really figured out what was wrong or how he was feeling during those times. We only relied on what we could find online, and the most common culprit was colic. We assumed he was a colicky baby.
There was an app my husband downloaded called Colic Baby that helped Kanye sleep soundly. It was basically a white noise app. We’d play either a music box lullaby or the sound of a vacuum cleaner, and that helped us put him to sleep.
Fast forward to the time he was diagnosed: we did a lot of reading on the internet and researched autism. We learned that many autistic people have sensory processing differences. Some sounds can be overwhelming and even painful, especially for those who are hypersensitive. Their brains process sounds differently, so what feels “loud but tolerable” to us might feel unbearable to them.
We felt bad because back then, we often got frustrated as we ran out of ideas on how to calm him during those episodes. I remember asking my mom friends if they experienced the same thing with their babies, and most of them said yes and reassured me it would get better after the sixth month. I was looking forward to the time when he wouldn’t be such a crybaby, because honestly, I felt like I was already developing anxiety. Whenever he started crying, I would suddenly feel uncomfortable, afraid, and panicky.
The Autism Signs We Couldn’t Ignore Anymore
The sixth month came, then the eighth, and soon he had already turned one. He was still the same—waking up in the middle of the night crying for reasons we still hadn’t figured out at the time.
By the time he was a year and a half, we started noticing his delays, especially in speech. My husband also began noticing symptoms of autism. He didn’t tell me right away. Instead, he suggested we mention his delays to the pediatrician, which we did.
The pediatrician said it was still too early for him to be checked by a neuro-developmental pedia. She told us the best age for that kind of evaluation was three. So we followed her advice. When Kanye finally turned three, the symptoms became even more obvious.
A month after his third birthday, we asked the pediatrician for a recommendation for a developmental pedia appointment—and there it was. We got the confirmation: Kanye was diagnosed with Level 2 autism.
The Difference Therapy Has Made
We looked for an occupational therapy center right away (slots were hard to get, by the way). Thankfully, we found one. He’s been in therapy for two and a half years now, and we’re happy with all his progress, even the small milestones.
Occupational therapy has helped with:
- Getting him to sit down and focus on his worksheets during sessions
- Reducing undesired behaviors, like crying intensely or refusing to do important routines such as brushing teeth or cutting nails
- Managing his sensory-seeking behaviors, like babbling, singing, and letting his eyes wander around the room
Along with these improvements from therapy, he can also:
- Read a few words and phrases
- Type on his iPad or use Google Voice to search for something he heard in a YouTube video
- Draw using different digital art apps like ProCreate, IbisPaint, Sketches, and Freeform
- Go without diapers
- Use meaningful phrases to ask for what he needs
- Drink from a straw
- Hold his spoon during meals
- Sleep well through the night (unless he’s sick)
Wrapping it Up
It’s not always easy, caring for a special needs child. It’s a journey full of questions, struggles, and even sleepless nights. But don’t lose hope — it’s also filled with small wins, proud moments, and lessons in patience, perseverance, and strength.
These days, I’m slowly learning to accept that it’s okay to cry and to feel tired sometimes.
What matters is that we keep going — for our children, and for ourselves. Every small progress, every smile, every little milestone is worth holding on to.
We’re all just doing our best — and that’s enough.
I have read a book called “Autism Out Loud” and these lines will always serve as a gentle reminder:
It gets better.
Maybe not today,
Maybe not tomorrow,
But it does get better.